Warming Whines

With the second largest economy in the world, and some of the most advanced technology in the world, it is somewhat surprising to find that most houses in Japan do not offer the comforts of central heating. As the weather has gone from fall to winter, the foreign residents of Japan unite in ceasing their denunciation of everything else Japan, with the exception of the bank machines, and focus their complaining skills.

The intensity of complaint is in direct inverse proportion to the air temperature. This is a defensive mechanism which foreigners possess to keep the body warm, according to a theory proposed by Dr. Ken Hashimoto. Dr. Hashimoto’s research team, comprised mainly of students seeking to improve their English skills without having to pay money for it, surveyed a number of foreign residents as they went about their own business.

Eavesdropping on and entering into conversations in which they were not particularly welcomed, the researchers compiled a list of the most common complaints they heard. The team then went through and calculated the rate that the complaints were issued, and what time of year the complaints were most frequent. Using what he termed a ‘complicated formula involving big numbers’ Dr. Hashimoto found that there was a significant decrease in the number of complaints about most aspects of Japanese life when the weather cooled and that in the place of many general complaints central heating was then the target.

In a giant leap of logical thought, Dr. Hashimoto’s team came to the conclusion that this switch in complaints allowed foreigners to channel their ire into heat, thus keeping the foreigner warm without central heating.

The report also noted that complaints about ATMs remained fairly steady, but peaked around the time of national holidays. Asked for a reason for this, Dr. Hashimoto’s spokesman replied only that ‘it is very difficult'.